I enjoy the happy images of you I keep locked in my head. I enjoy all the small things we have together, and every second spent with you gone the more anxious I become. The more my heart flutters and pauses, every time my phone does something.
I don't remember how or when it changed. I have become lost in him. I have become overwhelmed and frustrated. He is my love, but how much is in my head? I can't help but wonder how he feels about me. The very thought of not having him brings a pain to my heart. A pain I have felt for this boy before. He can drain me of everything, but i can't seem to be pulled away from him. He can hurt me in the smallest and biggest of way, and will never know. It is true when they tell me that I am to nice. I should be upset with him. And when the time comes for me to be he does something small. Something no one other than me would understand. It could be as simple as saying hello in a nice way, and texting Bella that tugs at my heart and gets me every time.
I can't find it in my bones to be upset with this beloved creature. This beloved creature who has hurt me and cared for me. I can honestly say I feel as if I am at a cross roads. I love him and I want to be with him. I feel like I am in Greys Anatomy right now just wanting to be with him so much, just wanting him to pick me, only this time it is a little more difficult. It is not another woman that I am wanting him to pick me over. In a way it is his life, or a life that he has come to know. I would never tell him that that's what I wanted. I would never make him pick, because in my heart I think I know which one would win. And to the eyes of the viewers you may think that this is selfish and one hundred percent ridiculous.
And you would be right. How could I ask this boy to pick me. And my answer is a simple one... Because I picked him I chose him.
So now it seems my stomach is still turning, but only in a different way. This beloved creature that I hold so close to my heart is pulling a way. And I can't help but want to hold on just a little longer. But the talks are overrated, by not saying how you feel. Your silence sends me into a downward spiral. With every I love you not returned leaves broken and fared inside.
With the voice in my head telling me to get out now. I can't help but hold on. I can't help but put myself in a situation that keeps letting me fall apart a little every day. I can't help it, and I wont. The damaged broken side of me wont allow any thing else.
I think in a way this healed a small part of me.
With all thats inside me I love him.
-Chel
