I am choosing you to be open with. You being my followers on Blog.
The truth is I was arrested and sentenced to go to these drug/drunk driving classes. And that is where I figured it out. We were talking about how everyone who was in there had something broken inside of them. The first time she mentioned it I blew it off like any normal person would, but later that night I couldn't help but keep going back to what she said. She was right. I was, I am, a broken person. I have been broken for a majority of my life. When I sit and map out my whole life there wold have been no avoiding it. I tried to do everything they wanted. I tried to be what they wanted me to be. I muted the feelings inside of me because I was suppose to be happy, like the rest of the children my age.
I don't know how we drifted so much. I miss my mother. I wish I could talk to her about my life. I just want her to know whats going on. It is unfair to say he has driven a wedge between us, but he has. When she yells at me to just say anything I draw a blank. I literally don't have anything to say. I want to tell her so many things. I want to tell her that I am fine and to stop worrying about me. I want to tell her she did a good job raising me. I just want to scream give me some room to breath. But she taught me better than that. She taught me to not say anything. She taught me to keep it in, not to let things show until you were alone.
The truth of the matter is that once upon a time my family was all I had, and now... today... I don't have that family. Today I have myself, and it sucks living like this. I want to feel like I have a family again. I feel like I remind them to much of him, and as bad as it sounds I feel almost shunned because of it. I don't know him, but all of the things that have been happening to me lately have driven me to him. I'm not proud of what I did, and I beat myself up for it almost daily. I feel like I have thrown them all under the bus. Even if they never find out my secret... It will be forever branded into me.
Today I am struggling. I am making irrational decisions once again. I want to tell you all who I am. I want someone to share my stories with. And that scares me. It scares me how much I want so badly to have an emotional attachment with someone again. The truth is I miss him the idea of my Jordan. Even if I now see that it never would have been a for real thing I miss the way he made me laugh, and the names he called me. I miss the look on him face , the look that said "I love you". I miss the way he held my hand, and played Halo with me. I miss the way he got mad when I would beat him at any video game. I miss the way that to this day he will still deny it. I miss feeling something other than hate for him. But in life none of that matters. In my life none of the "I miss" matter.
All the "I miss" thoughts in my life turn to walls. In a way they protect me... or at least that is what I liked to think they did. Now as I am getting older and fighting for the control of my life, I realize I am alone. Not just an alone with no special person, but the big alone. The people around me know so very little. They know just enough to not ask questions, and for so long I have been okay with that. For so long I was okay with the idea of dying alone and just being my own person. Maybe throwing a dog into the picture. Having no one notice me, but today I have finally stopped fighting back my emotions. Today I have realized I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to tell you about me. I want to tell you about all the mistakes I have made in my life, all the stupid things I did. All the dreams I have in my head. I want to feel like a million bucks again.
I just have so many story I am trying to share with the world. And at the moment I am still trying to find my voice I would like to share them with you, my readers. So I'm changing my blog around. Some days you will still get my meaning less rambles, the occasional poem I had been working one. But you will also get the story of my life. You will get to know everything about me. And by the end of this project I will have freed myself.
So bring it on.
-Belle
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
