My first Pooh Bear...

What I remember from then...


A smoke filled house... A brick road (and not the golden kind)... A white house with a detached garage... A wide open field... A truck... Beer not just one but it was everywhere.


It is amazing the things that stick in your head from your childhood. My first thoughts are blurred together, and most of them I can't really put a time period to. But here are the ones I remember from the first  parts of my life.


It started with a smoke filled house. I mean I don't think that house was ever clear of smoke. I don't remember much from when my mom lived with us. But my favorite memory from then has her in it. It was Christmas and I had gotten everything a little girl could ask for. The house was filled with friends and family. Cody had gotten a video game! That boy has always been a gamer at heart. I remember this day most because of what happened next... I was looking at my huge polly pocket set I just got when my mother told me to take this bag over lady sitting on the couch. I thought that that meant it was for her. She told me I could open it, and when I reached down into this big bag I grabbed something yellow and furry. It was the first time I had ever laid eyes on Pooh. It was the best gift I got that year... Maybe even ever. 


All this time I was under the impression that I had stolen this delightful bear from the mysterious woman sitting on the couch. In later years I would find out that that wasn't just any lady. It was my grandmother on my biological fathers side. And she had gotten him for me!


Fact of the day: I am finally ready to move on and see other people. I'm nervous about this one though, I seem to always chase after something so far away! haha! Bring it on!


-Chel

For once I am going to be open and honest

I am choosing you to be open with. You being my followers on Blog.

The truth is I was arrested and sentenced to go to these drug/drunk driving classes. And that is where I figured it out. We were talking about how everyone who was in there had something broken inside of them. The first time she mentioned it I blew it off like any normal person would, but later that night I couldn't help but keep going back to what she said. She was right. I was, I am, a broken person. I have been broken for a majority of my life. When I sit and map out my whole life there wold have been no avoiding it. I tried to do everything they wanted. I tried to be what they wanted me to be. I muted the feelings inside of me because I was suppose to be happy, like the rest of the children my age. 


I don't know how we drifted so much. I miss my mother. I wish I could talk to her about my life. I just want her to know whats going on. It is unfair to say he has driven a wedge between us, but he has. When she yells at me to just say anything I draw a blank. I literally don't have anything to say. I want to tell her so many things. I want to tell her that I am fine and to stop worrying about me. I want to tell her she did a good job raising me. I just want to scream give me some room to breath. But she taught me better than that. She taught me to not say anything. She taught me to keep it in, not to let things show until you were alone.


The truth of the matter is that once upon a time my family was all I had, and now... today... I don't have that family. Today I have myself, and it sucks living like this. I want to feel like I have a family again. I feel like I remind them to much of him, and as bad as it sounds I feel almost shunned because of it. I don't know him, but all of the things that have been happening to me lately have driven me to him. I'm not proud of what I did, and I beat myself up for it almost daily. I feel like I have thrown them all under the bus. Even if they never find out my secret... It will be forever branded into me.


Today I am struggling. I am making irrational decisions once again. I want to tell you all who I am. I want someone to share my stories with. And that scares me. It scares me how much I want so badly to have an emotional attachment with someone again. The truth is I miss him the idea of my Jordan. Even if I now see that it never would have been a for real thing I miss the way he made me laugh, and the names he called me. I miss the look on him face , the look that said "I love you". I miss the way he held my hand, and played Halo with me. I miss the way he got mad when I would beat him at any video game. I miss the way that to this day he will still deny it. I miss feeling something other than hate for him. But in life none of that matters. In my life none of the "I miss" matter.


All the "I miss" thoughts in my life turn to walls. In a way they protect me... or at least that is what I liked to think they did. Now as I am getting older and fighting for the control of my life, I realize I am alone. Not just an alone with no special person, but the big alone. The people around me know so very little. They know just enough to not ask questions, and for so long I have been okay with that. For so long I was okay with the idea of dying alone and just being my own person. Maybe throwing a dog into the picture. Having no one notice me, but today I have finally stopped fighting back my emotions. Today I have realized I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to tell you about me. I want to tell you about all the mistakes I have made in my life, all the stupid things I did. All the dreams I have in my head. I want to feel like a million bucks again. 


I just have so many story I am trying to share with the world. And at the moment I am still trying to find my voice I would like to share them with you, my readers. So I'm changing my blog around. Some days you will still get my meaning less rambles, the occasional poem I had been working one. But you will also get the story of my life. You will get to know everything about me. And by the end of this project I will have freed myself. 


So bring it on.


-Belle

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you 

I hate today

And yet again I find myself having to force a smile. 


Cheers


-Chelsey

Cheers

Tonight I will drink to every moment I had ever shared with you
Tonight I wont let the thoughts of you put an ache in my heart
Instead I will let the memories of you pass through my closed eyes
allowing me to play our time together like a movie


Tonight I will pause every sweet moment we had
Tonight I will fast forward through all the pain you had caused
Breaking the silence with a small laugh, like I often did
will bring me to the reality that you are gone


Tonight I will awaken my wildest of dreams
Tonight I wont hold anything back
Over coming my fears, and throwing caution to the wind
is how I will make it through without you


Tonight I will remember everything you had taught me
Tonight I will find myself among the stars
Taking off the mask I've held dear for so long
and letting everyone see what you saw in me

Tonight I will drink to you and I
Tonight I will hold my glass up high
and with a hidden smile that reaches my eyes
here's a toast to you

Five years of waiting!

8th grade was when it started. He wasn't the first boy that I had fallen for, but he was my best friend. It was safe to say I loved everything about this young man. He always made me smile and he would do the job of cheering me up when I needed him to do so. I think it is safe to say that Dylan was my first "love". Over years and years of being best friends we eventually went on with our lives I still to this day have him in my life and I can call him whenever I want and he can do the same. 
Last night as I was cleaning out my room I came across a journal I had in my 8th grade year, this was the year that our friendship had started. When I flipped open to the first page this is what I read:
"But now to name one more Dylan! This boy is my everything. I would go to the moon and back for him. He is my best friend out of the boys, and I love him. I love him more than I should I know. But he loves me too! And did I mention how pretty he is? Indeed he is very pretty. I know I will always love him."
After laughing for about five minutes I reached for my phone. I had never told Dylan how I had felt about him, and I had never planned on it either. I was completely fine with taking it to my grave, but something came over me last night. Maybe it was just because I am a completely different person than I was then. I think it was actually because all this time I have realized that he can't hurt me, or that it wouldn't hurt me if he didn't like me in the same way. Because every time he told me about a new girl, or every time he picked his girlfriend over me it would kill me on the inside. Or at least that is  how it use to be. Five years waiting in silence... 
You can bet you bottom dollar I called him, I was worried a little that he wouldn't answer, but he did. And I told him everything I told him that I use to be madly head over heals in love with him when we were younger, and I read that entry to him. I left a line or to out because it would have been way to embarrassing! It was nice to talk to him again!
And now all is out in the open. He knows what I have always been to scared to tell him, and everything is right!


-Belle


P.S. He told me he loved me, but I believe it was more in a friend way. Which I love I could tell him all of that and still have my best friend!

Band of Horses

I'm coming up only to hold you under

I'm coming up only to show you wrong

And to know you is hard and we wonder

To know you all wrong, we were

Really too late to call, so we wait for

Morning to wake you; it's all we got

To know me as hardly golden

Is to know me all wrong, they were

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral

At every occasion once more is called a funeral

Every occasion I'm ready for the funeral

At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

I'm coming up only to show you down for

I'm coming up only to show you wrong

To the outside, the dead leaves, they all blow (alive is very    poetic)

For'e (before) they died had trees to hang their hope

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral

At every occasion once more is called the funeral

At every occasion I'm ready for the funeral

At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

Silly green lighter

I have been thinking about a whole buch of things lately. The main thaing is being in love.

I can honestly say as of right now I don't believe in it. I mean what is love? What is the differance between being in love and loving someone?  Being in love to me is being blinded to all the bad things about someone, turning the cheek and trying to ignore it. Hoping that you can be the change in that person.

That to me is not real.
That to me is living in a reality that doesn't exist.

The reason this has all been on my mind lately is because people go back in forth so much. And I find myself in the middle of it all with these people I barely know asking me what they should do. When all I want to say to them is "You should talk to someone who believes in love for one, then you need to figure it out for yourself. You already know what you want to do. It is that little feeling you have deep in your heart that is just scratching at you, but the chances are you are ignoring it like the way you ignore the bad things about him." That is what I want to say.

And further more on the topic. If you are "talking" to someone else, or you have a "side line" person, you are obviously not happy, and if you were then you wouldn't find the need to have someone else.

I am not being bitter about anything, I have had my share of side line guys, and when I had them I knew I wasn't happy with my relationship. He didn't treat me the way I thought he should. I couldn't tell him how I felt, and I'm pretty sure the only thing he saw in me was sex.

I guess this rant is just because I have no idea about anything. When a relationship ends you slowly start seeing all the flaws you were blinded to at the time. Then you begin to see someone for who they really were and all of a sudden thats not the person you fell "in love" with. It is someone completely different... Surprise surprise.

Fact of the day: All because of Florida and a silly green lighter.

-Belle