What will be will be

So it seems my normal old self is back. I have been in the wandering mood as of lately and just ready for something new!!!

So bring it on!

In other news Frisbee golf is whats going to be going down... Oh yeah I'm excited! I have never played and I have a feeling that I am going to be awful but that is quite alright with me. And there may be another twist involved with that! Hopefull all goes well which I'm sure it will.

What is meant to be will be.

This morning when I woke up I had the strangest feeling, it felt like I was in a hospital and I was going in and out and seeing people around me doing stuff. It was really odd. I had no emotions. And I couldn't control myself or wake myself up so... It was different. Then when I finally did wake up I noticed that once again I over slept by over an hour. Can anyone else say "YAY! For no make-up day?"

Fact oh the day: I love my little girl dog!


-Belle

Let the Good Times Roll

So... It seems as if I have survived another year to see the age of nineteen. Who knew I could last that long. So let me tell you about the party! It was fantastic. My birthday was on March 16, I spent the night with my best friends! Hahaha out of all the years I have had a party I feel like this one was just perfect. It was nice and relaxing to just kind of chill out.

Andrew even came over to hang out for awhile! Hmm.... he he that was really nice!

Let’s see here. Lately I have been in the euphoric type of mood. Nothing seems to bring me down or break me. There is only one thing I would rather no have right now, but hey we can't have everything we want. And I am quite all right with that!

And also I have added a new thing to the list of things that annoy the living crap out of me, (I think that there are only really three things... I really don't get annoyed that easily) but it is when people try to guilt you into doing something. I am standing my ground for now on. I am sick of this boy telling me he is going to kill himself just so I will stay up and talk to him... this has been going on for over a week or so now and enough is enough. My lack of sleep is making my compassion seriously decrease. My heart can't take what he puts me through. And I don't think he realizes how much he hurts me when he is yelling at me. But I'm done trying to be mature about this. Ignoring him now is really the only option I have... Or if he moves away (which I have a feeling that he is doing moving in spite on me) but I’m done with it. I don’t need anyone like that in my life.

Now on to happier news, I think that I will be moving to Austin with my sister… I don’t really see any reason to stay here unless it’s for Ceirra. He he!!! Well I also am considering moving out to Tulsa. But that means I need a roommate!!!! Either way I am going to be somewhere I really love! I am actually really stoked for the summer to come and to see how everything ends up going. No matter where I end up I am going to look at it with an open mind and just welcome the possibilities!

(I have a secret to… But I think I am going to hold this one in for awhile and just see what happens!)

I love my music taste I mean I don’t want to brag but yeah… It’s really cool! haha

Fact of the Day: Pandora is my hero!
-Belle

Maybe I'll be the lucky one who doesn't get burned

It started off me and a group of people walking around a carnival... I had a special someone with me but did know who he was. It was like my dream was from the future.

I see Jordan walking up to me and he looks bad. He looked like he had been down on his luck, and he told me sorry everything was going to be different, he was just a screw up and he was crying. I leaned in to give him a hug and whispered in his ear "you know I will always pick you" and we leaned away from each other and started walking around I could feel that the group I was in was not happy about this addition however it was a moment that I wanted and will always want to have. As my dream went on the night was coming to an end and he kissed me and I kissed him back. I could hear voices that were saying things like "Jess is going to kill him when she finds out" "Go get Jess she needs help" all of a sudden Jordan and I were both aware of the chaos going on around us. I looked up at his face to try to see what he was thinking and there was just a blank shocked look. He kept stepping back looking like he was going to cry again and when I looked down at my chest I realized why everyone was freaking out. It had appeared to be a stab mark right in my heart and I couldn't stop the bleeding. But it didn't hurt. I just kept telling him that everything was all right that I was fine that it didn't matter, as I tried to clean myself up. Then I was starting to wake up at this point but I swear that he ended up walking away or something.

My interpretation: No matter what I will always pick him but in the end it will lead to my heart getting hurt.

Now the question is what to do. What do you do when you have no more fight left in you? Or when you feel like you love someone more than they love you... It doesn't even have to be love just a simple feeling of caring. Hmm... Austin is sounding like a great escape (the city not a person)

Fact of the day: I'm to awkward for my own good.


-Belle

Love grows in me like a tumor,

parasites bent on devouring its host.

I'm developing my sense of humor,

till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,

till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

No Amount of Whiskey No Amount Of Wine

This feeling of perpetual sickness is driving me crazy. I just feel sick to my stomach and I am hoping this will pass.

I also got into a huge bike wreck I ate the curb like no other and you know what... I sprained my ankle. It's gross really. I am not one who gets really girly about things and if it was just a cut then I would be fine however... In this case I am going to be a girl and tell you it is ugly it actually makes me feel ugly. I know how ridiculous that sounds but it hurts and is a pain in the ass to take care of. My mother told me to suck it up...

I guess lately I have been too emotional for my own good. I have been crying a lot and most of the time I don't even know why I just burst into tears. My Step father has been yelling at me about every little thing I do wrong. And I know I know that is what he is there for. But I feel as if I can't ever do anything right. They look at me and they see Chris (Biological Father). Most days I feel like a fail to them. I'm barely hanging on but you know what I'm doing a good job. I don't have my whole life planned out, and I may have caused something life changing but you know what. I am alright. I am hanging on and dealing with life the way I think I should. And for me that’s enough.

Fact of The Day! I love trees nature helps me relax!

Love And Happiness
-Belle

Decisions...

Hmm... I have never been one that has been good at decision making. And right now I would say I have a pretty big one to make. The thing on my mind however is how you really know when to leave or say good bye to something. When is the time to let go? I just don't know anymore moving and locking myself away from the world sounds pretty good right now to me.

I feel like tainted by the things I hide away from you
The things I should say or tell you
I have come so close to just letting everything out,
But I hold back
I have held back time and time again wishing that someone would bring it up so it would be out in the open.
Just letting you and the world see what it really is.
See who I really am.

-Belle