In this past weekend I have done some pretty stupid things. I threw a party while my parents went outa town. And of course I got caught... However I didn't get caught because I forgot to clean up, or cops were called, or something along those lines. Instead my older brother ratted me out.
If you can believe it I am not mad about the fact I got found out. What really hurts is the fact that my brother who has been with me the longest and who has watched over me since I was a kid, describes me as being nothing more than a piece of shit. I am hurt more by his words then his actions. It seems like this past weekend has been an emotional slap in the face.
1. The realization that I am still not completely healed from Jordan
2. When you open your house up to people don't think that they wont steal things from you
3. My sister is leaving and I will be stuck with a step father who probably wants to kick me out, and a brother who would rather scratch out his eyes then be around me and my disgraceful self, and my mother god bless her for standing up for me when all I ever do is brings problems.
4. That I want to feel loved by someone... I want to feel like there is actually someone out there who likes me for me, and not just because we had sex, or because they want to have sex. I am just sick of the empty feeling, I can't recall when it started but it has made itself at home and I want it to leave.
5. Finding out that this boy who had all of a sudden came into your life, and said all the right things, and did all the right things... Had also said all the right things and did all the right things for someone else.
6. I'm sick of people jumping my ass because I have yet to decide if god is real or not. I am just so fed up with these people who just tell me to pray... and keep praying if nothing happens... Just keep doing it eventually he will answer you... While in the meantime I could have been going out and trying to make something happen myself. Is it really such a scary thought that maybe we are alone... That maybe we make our own paths... Is that really so scary to think that you have control over your whole entire life and what you do with it...
7. He deserves to be burned at the stake
I feel like the best things for me to do is smile and act like everything is going to be okay, however I feel like this time I am going to have to follow my own advice. I'm sad and hurt and at the moment I am going to show it. I am going allow myself to wallow and to cry about these things. I am going to give myself the rest of the day to take these things head on... And tomorrow will be a new day, tomorrow I will find something to smile and be happy about. Tomorrow I wont be completely better but I will have grown a little by this and in the end that is all I can hope for.
I will be back soon to blog about something not so hectic but something I have been pondering over.
Fact of the day: Fuck all the judgmental assholes that are around you. You are beauty in its rarest form.
-Belle
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