Thinking aloud

I feel like with every thing that happens right now it is making me long for my isolation even more... I know these people only care for me, but truth be told I don't feel as if I deserve it I want to hit my rock bottom. I feel like I have been so close to hitting it and someone always has to come save me just in the nick of time...

For once I want to fall.

I'm thankful for everyone in my life, but right not I don't feel like myself. Right now I feel lost and to be completely honest sort of thrilled....

What will be will be

-Chelsey

Invisible

I know it is a ridiculous want but I wish sometimes I could just blend in with everyone else. I just wish I wasn't so different. 


Of course there are always those times where you want to be noticed by a boy or something small and silly like that but, as of now I just wish the ones who have attached themselves to me would just give up. I feel like I am just  wreck. I know I have a lot of problems and I know that I am just beginning to realize how big those problems are.

If I were to be honest with you I would tell you it all

I would let you see me, and my walls would come crashing down

If you were the one I was suppose to be with then this would be easy

I wouldn't be questioning myself so much about you

I could drowned myself with the pain draining from you

This was all my fault to begin with, you never saw it coming

I only wanted a place to hide out from the worlds

It wasn't supposed to end this way, you were never suppose to fall

The ending to this story will never change

The boy will always deserve more

And the girl will always push him away

until the emptiness is all the remains

You thought I was the answer, you thought you had found the one

When you really found yourself playing my game

You thought you could figure me out, you thought you could win me over

When all I ever wanted was to be invisible

Everything we had has gone to shit 

You have a chance to get out, you have a chance to move on from this

Everything you want me to be i am not

You have no reason to stay and I would never ask you to

This isn't love it's just another what if story

Love and Happiness

-Belle

A hot sunny day!

As I sit here alone in my room pondering over what to write on this post, all I can really think about is... My day I spent in the park.

It was quite an odd/strange/weird/happy/risky type of day. It really caught me off  gaurd. I am happy to report though that I did learn how to long board, and I talked him into trying the dunhill ciggeretts... Which I had a feeling he would like... And what do you know, he did! Haha! See I told you it is about finding the joy in little things that keeps you smiling! =]

Anyway as our day continued to go on, I found myself highly interested in the stories he was telling me. At one point he started talking about life and his views on it... Then apologized for getting into something so deep, it's safe to say yesh I did laugh at that... because as most of you know I love conversations like that.

I'm not saying anything is going to happen with this boy... However today I took a shot in the dark and found myself hanging out witha really goofy boy, who made me laugh, and reminded me that what life is about. Life is about taking those crazy chances, living in the moment, your friendships with people, and just feeling the rush of freedom! This boy has taught me a lot, or just reminded me of forgotten things.

To all my readers I want to wish the the sweetest dreams! And I hope you all have a day in the park like I did today!

Fact of the day: I still remember the first boy I was in love with... It was first grade he was my valentine, his name was Max, and he had red hair... oh and yeah he was a Britain... No wonder I have a thing for the brits! te-he-he!

-Chel

P.S. Check out this AMAZING song! V.V Brown-Shark in the Water

My Blogs Not Dead!

However my faith that in people seem to be going down hill very fast.

In this past weekend I have done some pretty stupid things. I threw a party while my parents went outa town. And of course I got caught... However I didn't get caught because I forgot to clean up, or cops were called, or something along those lines. Instead my older brother ratted me out.

If you can believe it I am not mad about the fact I got found out. What really hurts is the fact that my brother who has been with me the longest and who has watched over me since I was a kid, describes me as being nothing more than a piece of shit. I am hurt more by his words then his actions. It seems like this past weekend has been an emotional slap in the face.

1. The realization that I am still not completely healed from Jordan
2. When you open your house up to people don't think that they wont steal things from you
3. My sister is leaving and I will be stuck with a step father who probably wants to kick me out, and a brother who would rather scratch out his eyes then be around me and my disgraceful self, and my mother god bless her for standing up for me when all I ever do is brings problems.
4. That I want to feel loved by someone... I want to feel like there is actually someone out there who likes me for me, and not just because we had sex, or because they want to have sex. I am just sick of the empty feeling, I can't recall when it started but it has made itself at home and I want it to leave.
5. Finding out that this boy who had all of a sudden came into your life, and said all the right things, and did all the right things... Had also said all the right things and did all the right things for someone else.
6. I'm sick of people jumping my ass because I have yet to decide if god is real or not. I am just so fed up with these people who just tell me to pray... and keep praying if nothing happens... Just keep doing it eventually he will answer you... While in the meantime I could have been going out and trying to make something happen myself. Is it really such a scary thought that maybe we are alone... That maybe we make our own paths... Is that really so scary to think that you have control over your whole entire life and what you do with it...
7. He deserves to be burned at the stake

I feel like the best things for me to do is smile and act like everything is going to be okay, however I feel like this time I am going to have to follow my own advice. I'm sad and hurt and at the moment I am going to show it. I am going allow myself to wallow and to cry about these things. I am going to give myself the rest of the day to take these things head on... And tomorrow will be a new day, tomorrow I will find something to smile and be happy about. Tomorrow I wont be completely better but I will have grown a little by this and in the end that is all I can hope for.

I will be back soon to blog about something not so hectic but something I have been pondering over.

Fact of the day: Fuck all the judgmental assholes that are around you. You are beauty in its rarest form.

-Belle

A magical new place

In all of my nine-teen years of living I have never felt so much love for the world. And I have never seen the world like that. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on. 


What made this so great was... The friends it happened with and the boy I spent my night talking to. He told me jokes the whole night and most of them I can't remember but they were so funny! And then the group went at war in the closet and scared me. But he talked to me to keep me distracted. 


The whole time I was creating a planet of my own... I painted. I painted love and I painted all the emotions I had inside of me. When I looked at my painting this morning a laughed at how silly it was. But deep down in my heart I know that it is my beloved secret. And only I know what it really beholds! (the secrets of my universe) 


-Chel

Is it possible...

That you can find someone through a game... I mean really


I would.


But I care for someone I care for him a lot!

-Chel

My first Pooh Bear...

What I remember from then...


A smoke filled house... A brick road (and not the golden kind)... A white house with a detached garage... A wide open field... A truck... Beer not just one but it was everywhere.


It is amazing the things that stick in your head from your childhood. My first thoughts are blurred together, and most of them I can't really put a time period to. But here are the ones I remember from the first  parts of my life.


It started with a smoke filled house. I mean I don't think that house was ever clear of smoke. I don't remember much from when my mom lived with us. But my favorite memory from then has her in it. It was Christmas and I had gotten everything a little girl could ask for. The house was filled with friends and family. Cody had gotten a video game! That boy has always been a gamer at heart. I remember this day most because of what happened next... I was looking at my huge polly pocket set I just got when my mother told me to take this bag over lady sitting on the couch. I thought that that meant it was for her. She told me I could open it, and when I reached down into this big bag I grabbed something yellow and furry. It was the first time I had ever laid eyes on Pooh. It was the best gift I got that year... Maybe even ever. 


All this time I was under the impression that I had stolen this delightful bear from the mysterious woman sitting on the couch. In later years I would find out that that wasn't just any lady. It was my grandmother on my biological fathers side. And she had gotten him for me!


Fact of the day: I am finally ready to move on and see other people. I'm nervous about this one though, I seem to always chase after something so far away! haha! Bring it on!


-Chel