What will be will be

So it seems my normal old self is back. I have been in the wandering mood as of lately and just ready for something new!!!

So bring it on!

In other news Frisbee golf is whats going to be going down... Oh yeah I'm excited! I have never played and I have a feeling that I am going to be awful but that is quite alright with me. And there may be another twist involved with that! Hopefull all goes well which I'm sure it will.

What is meant to be will be.

This morning when I woke up I had the strangest feeling, it felt like I was in a hospital and I was going in and out and seeing people around me doing stuff. It was really odd. I had no emotions. And I couldn't control myself or wake myself up so... It was different. Then when I finally did wake up I noticed that once again I over slept by over an hour. Can anyone else say "YAY! For no make-up day?"

Fact oh the day: I love my little girl dog!


-Belle

Let the Good Times Roll

So... It seems as if I have survived another year to see the age of nineteen. Who knew I could last that long. So let me tell you about the party! It was fantastic. My birthday was on March 16, I spent the night with my best friends! Hahaha out of all the years I have had a party I feel like this one was just perfect. It was nice and relaxing to just kind of chill out.

Andrew even came over to hang out for awhile! Hmm.... he he that was really nice!

Let’s see here. Lately I have been in the euphoric type of mood. Nothing seems to bring me down or break me. There is only one thing I would rather no have right now, but hey we can't have everything we want. And I am quite all right with that!

And also I have added a new thing to the list of things that annoy the living crap out of me, (I think that there are only really three things... I really don't get annoyed that easily) but it is when people try to guilt you into doing something. I am standing my ground for now on. I am sick of this boy telling me he is going to kill himself just so I will stay up and talk to him... this has been going on for over a week or so now and enough is enough. My lack of sleep is making my compassion seriously decrease. My heart can't take what he puts me through. And I don't think he realizes how much he hurts me when he is yelling at me. But I'm done trying to be mature about this. Ignoring him now is really the only option I have... Or if he moves away (which I have a feeling that he is doing moving in spite on me) but I’m done with it. I don’t need anyone like that in my life.

Now on to happier news, I think that I will be moving to Austin with my sister… I don’t really see any reason to stay here unless it’s for Ceirra. He he!!! Well I also am considering moving out to Tulsa. But that means I need a roommate!!!! Either way I am going to be somewhere I really love! I am actually really stoked for the summer to come and to see how everything ends up going. No matter where I end up I am going to look at it with an open mind and just welcome the possibilities!

(I have a secret to… But I think I am going to hold this one in for awhile and just see what happens!)

I love my music taste I mean I don’t want to brag but yeah… It’s really cool! haha

Fact of the Day: Pandora is my hero!
-Belle

Maybe I'll be the lucky one who doesn't get burned

It started off me and a group of people walking around a carnival... I had a special someone with me but did know who he was. It was like my dream was from the future.

I see Jordan walking up to me and he looks bad. He looked like he had been down on his luck, and he told me sorry everything was going to be different, he was just a screw up and he was crying. I leaned in to give him a hug and whispered in his ear "you know I will always pick you" and we leaned away from each other and started walking around I could feel that the group I was in was not happy about this addition however it was a moment that I wanted and will always want to have. As my dream went on the night was coming to an end and he kissed me and I kissed him back. I could hear voices that were saying things like "Jess is going to kill him when she finds out" "Go get Jess she needs help" all of a sudden Jordan and I were both aware of the chaos going on around us. I looked up at his face to try to see what he was thinking and there was just a blank shocked look. He kept stepping back looking like he was going to cry again and when I looked down at my chest I realized why everyone was freaking out. It had appeared to be a stab mark right in my heart and I couldn't stop the bleeding. But it didn't hurt. I just kept telling him that everything was all right that I was fine that it didn't matter, as I tried to clean myself up. Then I was starting to wake up at this point but I swear that he ended up walking away or something.

My interpretation: No matter what I will always pick him but in the end it will lead to my heart getting hurt.

Now the question is what to do. What do you do when you have no more fight left in you? Or when you feel like you love someone more than they love you... It doesn't even have to be love just a simple feeling of caring. Hmm... Austin is sounding like a great escape (the city not a person)

Fact of the day: I'm to awkward for my own good.


-Belle

Love grows in me like a tumor,

parasites bent on devouring its host.

I'm developing my sense of humor,

till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,

till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

No Amount of Whiskey No Amount Of Wine

This feeling of perpetual sickness is driving me crazy. I just feel sick to my stomach and I am hoping this will pass.

I also got into a huge bike wreck I ate the curb like no other and you know what... I sprained my ankle. It's gross really. I am not one who gets really girly about things and if it was just a cut then I would be fine however... In this case I am going to be a girl and tell you it is ugly it actually makes me feel ugly. I know how ridiculous that sounds but it hurts and is a pain in the ass to take care of. My mother told me to suck it up...

I guess lately I have been too emotional for my own good. I have been crying a lot and most of the time I don't even know why I just burst into tears. My Step father has been yelling at me about every little thing I do wrong. And I know I know that is what he is there for. But I feel as if I can't ever do anything right. They look at me and they see Chris (Biological Father). Most days I feel like a fail to them. I'm barely hanging on but you know what I'm doing a good job. I don't have my whole life planned out, and I may have caused something life changing but you know what. I am alright. I am hanging on and dealing with life the way I think I should. And for me that’s enough.

Fact of The Day! I love trees nature helps me relax!

Love And Happiness
-Belle

Decisions...

Hmm... I have never been one that has been good at decision making. And right now I would say I have a pretty big one to make. The thing on my mind however is how you really know when to leave or say good bye to something. When is the time to let go? I just don't know anymore moving and locking myself away from the world sounds pretty good right now to me.

I feel like tainted by the things I hide away from you
The things I should say or tell you
I have come so close to just letting everything out,
But I hold back
I have held back time and time again wishing that someone would bring it up so it would be out in the open.
Just letting you and the world see what it really is.
See who I really am.

-Belle

Day Dreaming

Ahhh the sweet smell of the outdoors. I need to go camping. I need to smell the morning air. I am not a fan of the morning however waking up in the woods and smelling the smoke coming from the fire you had going the night before is quite comforting. It is a feeling the one could associate with childhood. The happy blissful, anything could happen mentality. I need to go camping! I need it like a flower needs the sun, or your stomach needs food.  I'm in love with it dare I say! And the sunset don't even get me started on that. I mean if you love sunsets it is my belief that it is a much more powerful vision when you have spent the whole morning and day in the sun. It is different. Your back yard doesn't do it justice. And the night sky my word, stars... The only time I have ever seen a more beautiful night sky was when my friends and I went to look at a real "haunted" house one that you would have to travel through woods to get to. The sky that night was so dark and the stars were crazy. The outdoors is where I belong I have decided. I, or my soul was made for it.

Everyone has something that they can't live without, wether it be money, art, television, dancing. For me it is camping it is the one thing I need to be truly happy. I would give a loveless life for I think. Sure it would be a hard decision to make, however it would be worth it I think there is so much to nature many sides, and I find all of them charming.

I also seem to have a writers block when it comes to poetry. I have mainly been writing stories when I do sit down to write. It's not that I don't try for a poem, it's just that I feel a story must be told I guess... It is kind of bumming me out in a way. Hopefully my spark will come back. For now I will stick with what I have.

Fact of the day: I just had Taco Bell! Word to your mother!

-Belle

Just another week

So this last week has been one for the record books. Really it has been everywhere. And I have to much on my plate. STRESSSSSSS!

But I have been spending a lot of time with Jordan, and that has been wonderful I feel like we are best friends and really comfortable together. I like being able to just laugh and play fight with him. It makes all the serious things about relationships seem less important. And I also feel like he is going to be around for awhile, which also makes some of the stress go away. And he really wants to work on his relationship with my parents, and is also making me work on my relationship with them as well.

My parents have not been happy with me and within the last couple of days things seem to be taking a turn to the worst when it comes with them. I have never in my almost 19 years of living felt close enough to them to actually talk to them. Most days we spend out time in different sections of the house trying not to run in to each other, and on the occasions when we do we have a brief chit chat and we go about our days. It also doesn't help that they think that I am a crazed drug addict. I have just recently discovered this to, they have told the rest of my family that I have been strung out on pills and now my uncle doesn't like the fact I talk to my cousin who has been the closest person to me in my family since I was born.

I don't understand family anymore. at one point in time I could have talked to any of them now it seems that when I am at a family event they all keep me at and arms length away. And for the record I am NOT a strung out druggie. I have had so many things going on in the last couple of months I don't get any help from the family I am financially supporting myself I work over thirty hours a week and have to manage a store twenty four seven because no one else will do it and I have been there the longest, and I have school from 8-2.20, and it's senior year and I feel like I'm losing control over everything. And I feel like I am about to break. The only thing that is keeping me sane right now are the friends. And of course Jordan, they are my get aways from the world around me.

Random fact of the day!: Garden Gnomes make me smile!

Love and Happiness

-Chel