The moon will hold your secrets

At this point in time I am fighting back tears.

Tears of all shapes and sizes

Each one holding something just as heavy as the next

They come and go

and when they come it's without warning, and when they go it couldn't be soon enough

All you hear is the silence swarming around you

Causing your head to spin in all kinds of crazy directions

Each minute takes time to stretch out and make itself at home

Before they kindly move on about their day

Leaving you alone in the dark feeling emptier than before

Your heart is feeling heavy and weak

With each beat you find yourself trying to blend into the wall paper

But they see you, they barely know your name and wont stop grabbing for you

It is at this point you lose your faith in the world that surrounds you

and you just wish you could find that feeling you use to have

You long for the giddy butterflies that make everything seem alive

But they have abandoned you along with everyone else you ever cared for

It hurts to realize the truth, to see them for what they really were

and it breaks you down day after day

What is even sadder is you did this to yourself

At this point in time the tears are escaping and rushing out

It is pointless to fight, and you are wanting to give in to everything

You keep playing the horrid memories in your head, trying to get past them

but they have a hold on you...

You have let them change you

The moon will hold your secrets tonight as you shout them out to a world that refuses to listen

Thinking aloud

I feel like with every thing that happens right now it is making me long for my isolation even more... I know these people only care for me, but truth be told I don't feel as if I deserve it I want to hit my rock bottom. I feel like I have been so close to hitting it and someone always has to come save me just in the nick of time...

For once I want to fall.

I'm thankful for everyone in my life, but right not I don't feel like myself. Right now I feel lost and to be completely honest sort of thrilled....

What will be will be

-Chelsey

Invisible

I know it is a ridiculous want but I wish sometimes I could just blend in with everyone else. I just wish I wasn't so different. 


Of course there are always those times where you want to be noticed by a boy or something small and silly like that but, as of now I just wish the ones who have attached themselves to me would just give up. I feel like I am just  wreck. I know I have a lot of problems and I know that I am just beginning to realize how big those problems are.

If I were to be honest with you I would tell you it all

I would let you see me, and my walls would come crashing down

If you were the one I was suppose to be with then this would be easy

I wouldn't be questioning myself so much about you

I could drowned myself with the pain draining from you

This was all my fault to begin with, you never saw it coming

I only wanted a place to hide out from the worlds

It wasn't supposed to end this way, you were never suppose to fall

The ending to this story will never change

The boy will always deserve more

And the girl will always push him away

until the emptiness is all the remains

You thought I was the answer, you thought you had found the one

When you really found yourself playing my game

You thought you could figure me out, you thought you could win me over

When all I ever wanted was to be invisible

Everything we had has gone to shit 

You have a chance to get out, you have a chance to move on from this

Everything you want me to be i am not

You have no reason to stay and I would never ask you to

This isn't love it's just another what if story

Love and Happiness

-Belle

A hot sunny day!

As I sit here alone in my room pondering over what to write on this post, all I can really think about is... My day I spent in the park.

It was quite an odd/strange/weird/happy/risky type of day. It really caught me off  gaurd. I am happy to report though that I did learn how to long board, and I talked him into trying the dunhill ciggeretts... Which I had a feeling he would like... And what do you know, he did! Haha! See I told you it is about finding the joy in little things that keeps you smiling! =]

Anyway as our day continued to go on, I found myself highly interested in the stories he was telling me. At one point he started talking about life and his views on it... Then apologized for getting into something so deep, it's safe to say yesh I did laugh at that... because as most of you know I love conversations like that.

I'm not saying anything is going to happen with this boy... However today I took a shot in the dark and found myself hanging out witha really goofy boy, who made me laugh, and reminded me that what life is about. Life is about taking those crazy chances, living in the moment, your friendships with people, and just feeling the rush of freedom! This boy has taught me a lot, or just reminded me of forgotten things.

To all my readers I want to wish the the sweetest dreams! And I hope you all have a day in the park like I did today!

Fact of the day: I still remember the first boy I was in love with... It was first grade he was my valentine, his name was Max, and he had red hair... oh and yeah he was a Britain... No wonder I have a thing for the brits! te-he-he!

-Chel

P.S. Check out this AMAZING song! V.V Brown-Shark in the Water

My Blogs Not Dead!

However my faith that in people seem to be going down hill very fast.

In this past weekend I have done some pretty stupid things. I threw a party while my parents went outa town. And of course I got caught... However I didn't get caught because I forgot to clean up, or cops were called, or something along those lines. Instead my older brother ratted me out.

If you can believe it I am not mad about the fact I got found out. What really hurts is the fact that my brother who has been with me the longest and who has watched over me since I was a kid, describes me as being nothing more than a piece of shit. I am hurt more by his words then his actions. It seems like this past weekend has been an emotional slap in the face.

1. The realization that I am still not completely healed from Jordan
2. When you open your house up to people don't think that they wont steal things from you
3. My sister is leaving and I will be stuck with a step father who probably wants to kick me out, and a brother who would rather scratch out his eyes then be around me and my disgraceful self, and my mother god bless her for standing up for me when all I ever do is brings problems.
4. That I want to feel loved by someone... I want to feel like there is actually someone out there who likes me for me, and not just because we had sex, or because they want to have sex. I am just sick of the empty feeling, I can't recall when it started but it has made itself at home and I want it to leave.
5. Finding out that this boy who had all of a sudden came into your life, and said all the right things, and did all the right things... Had also said all the right things and did all the right things for someone else.
6. I'm sick of people jumping my ass because I have yet to decide if god is real or not. I am just so fed up with these people who just tell me to pray... and keep praying if nothing happens... Just keep doing it eventually he will answer you... While in the meantime I could have been going out and trying to make something happen myself. Is it really such a scary thought that maybe we are alone... That maybe we make our own paths... Is that really so scary to think that you have control over your whole entire life and what you do with it...
7. He deserves to be burned at the stake

I feel like the best things for me to do is smile and act like everything is going to be okay, however I feel like this time I am going to have to follow my own advice. I'm sad and hurt and at the moment I am going to show it. I am going allow myself to wallow and to cry about these things. I am going to give myself the rest of the day to take these things head on... And tomorrow will be a new day, tomorrow I will find something to smile and be happy about. Tomorrow I wont be completely better but I will have grown a little by this and in the end that is all I can hope for.

I will be back soon to blog about something not so hectic but something I have been pondering over.

Fact of the day: Fuck all the judgmental assholes that are around you. You are beauty in its rarest form.

-Belle

A magical new place

In all of my nine-teen years of living I have never felt so much love for the world. And I have never seen the world like that. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever had the pleasure of laying my eyes on. 


What made this so great was... The friends it happened with and the boy I spent my night talking to. He told me jokes the whole night and most of them I can't remember but they were so funny! And then the group went at war in the closet and scared me. But he talked to me to keep me distracted. 


The whole time I was creating a planet of my own... I painted. I painted love and I painted all the emotions I had inside of me. When I looked at my painting this morning a laughed at how silly it was. But deep down in my heart I know that it is my beloved secret. And only I know what it really beholds! (the secrets of my universe) 


-Chel

Is it possible...

That you can find someone through a game... I mean really


I would.


But I care for someone I care for him a lot!

-Chel

My first Pooh Bear...

What I remember from then...


A smoke filled house... A brick road (and not the golden kind)... A white house with a detached garage... A wide open field... A truck... Beer not just one but it was everywhere.


It is amazing the things that stick in your head from your childhood. My first thoughts are blurred together, and most of them I can't really put a time period to. But here are the ones I remember from the first  parts of my life.


It started with a smoke filled house. I mean I don't think that house was ever clear of smoke. I don't remember much from when my mom lived with us. But my favorite memory from then has her in it. It was Christmas and I had gotten everything a little girl could ask for. The house was filled with friends and family. Cody had gotten a video game! That boy has always been a gamer at heart. I remember this day most because of what happened next... I was looking at my huge polly pocket set I just got when my mother told me to take this bag over lady sitting on the couch. I thought that that meant it was for her. She told me I could open it, and when I reached down into this big bag I grabbed something yellow and furry. It was the first time I had ever laid eyes on Pooh. It was the best gift I got that year... Maybe even ever. 


All this time I was under the impression that I had stolen this delightful bear from the mysterious woman sitting on the couch. In later years I would find out that that wasn't just any lady. It was my grandmother on my biological fathers side. And she had gotten him for me!


Fact of the day: I am finally ready to move on and see other people. I'm nervous about this one though, I seem to always chase after something so far away! haha! Bring it on!


-Chel

For once I am going to be open and honest

I am choosing you to be open with. You being my followers on Blog.

The truth is I was arrested and sentenced to go to these drug/drunk driving classes. And that is where I figured it out. We were talking about how everyone who was in there had something broken inside of them. The first time she mentioned it I blew it off like any normal person would, but later that night I couldn't help but keep going back to what she said. She was right. I was, I am, a broken person. I have been broken for a majority of my life. When I sit and map out my whole life there wold have been no avoiding it. I tried to do everything they wanted. I tried to be what they wanted me to be. I muted the feelings inside of me because I was suppose to be happy, like the rest of the children my age. 


I don't know how we drifted so much. I miss my mother. I wish I could talk to her about my life. I just want her to know whats going on. It is unfair to say he has driven a wedge between us, but he has. When she yells at me to just say anything I draw a blank. I literally don't have anything to say. I want to tell her so many things. I want to tell her that I am fine and to stop worrying about me. I want to tell her she did a good job raising me. I just want to scream give me some room to breath. But she taught me better than that. She taught me to not say anything. She taught me to keep it in, not to let things show until you were alone.


The truth of the matter is that once upon a time my family was all I had, and now... today... I don't have that family. Today I have myself, and it sucks living like this. I want to feel like I have a family again. I feel like I remind them to much of him, and as bad as it sounds I feel almost shunned because of it. I don't know him, but all of the things that have been happening to me lately have driven me to him. I'm not proud of what I did, and I beat myself up for it almost daily. I feel like I have thrown them all under the bus. Even if they never find out my secret... It will be forever branded into me.


Today I am struggling. I am making irrational decisions once again. I want to tell you all who I am. I want someone to share my stories with. And that scares me. It scares me how much I want so badly to have an emotional attachment with someone again. The truth is I miss him the idea of my Jordan. Even if I now see that it never would have been a for real thing I miss the way he made me laugh, and the names he called me. I miss the look on him face , the look that said "I love you". I miss the way he held my hand, and played Halo with me. I miss the way he got mad when I would beat him at any video game. I miss the way that to this day he will still deny it. I miss feeling something other than hate for him. But in life none of that matters. In my life none of the "I miss" matter.


All the "I miss" thoughts in my life turn to walls. In a way they protect me... or at least that is what I liked to think they did. Now as I am getting older and fighting for the control of my life, I realize I am alone. Not just an alone with no special person, but the big alone. The people around me know so very little. They know just enough to not ask questions, and for so long I have been okay with that. For so long I was okay with the idea of dying alone and just being my own person. Maybe throwing a dog into the picture. Having no one notice me, but today I have finally stopped fighting back my emotions. Today I have realized I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to tell you about me. I want to tell you about all the mistakes I have made in my life, all the stupid things I did. All the dreams I have in my head. I want to feel like a million bucks again. 


I just have so many story I am trying to share with the world. And at the moment I am still trying to find my voice I would like to share them with you, my readers. So I'm changing my blog around. Some days you will still get my meaning less rambles, the occasional poem I had been working one. But you will also get the story of my life. You will get to know everything about me. And by the end of this project I will have freed myself. 


So bring it on.


-Belle

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you
I climbed across the mountain tops
Swam all across the ocean blue
I crossed all the lines and I broke all the rules
But baby I broke them all for you
Because even when I was flat broke
You made me feel like a million bucks
You do
I was made for you
You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what
I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...
All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true...I was made for you 

I hate today

And yet again I find myself having to force a smile. 


Cheers


-Chelsey

Cheers

Tonight I will drink to every moment I had ever shared with you
Tonight I wont let the thoughts of you put an ache in my heart
Instead I will let the memories of you pass through my closed eyes
allowing me to play our time together like a movie


Tonight I will pause every sweet moment we had
Tonight I will fast forward through all the pain you had caused
Breaking the silence with a small laugh, like I often did
will bring me to the reality that you are gone


Tonight I will awaken my wildest of dreams
Tonight I wont hold anything back
Over coming my fears, and throwing caution to the wind
is how I will make it through without you


Tonight I will remember everything you had taught me
Tonight I will find myself among the stars
Taking off the mask I've held dear for so long
and letting everyone see what you saw in me

Tonight I will drink to you and I
Tonight I will hold my glass up high
and with a hidden smile that reaches my eyes
here's a toast to you

Five years of waiting!

8th grade was when it started. He wasn't the first boy that I had fallen for, but he was my best friend. It was safe to say I loved everything about this young man. He always made me smile and he would do the job of cheering me up when I needed him to do so. I think it is safe to say that Dylan was my first "love". Over years and years of being best friends we eventually went on with our lives I still to this day have him in my life and I can call him whenever I want and he can do the same. 
Last night as I was cleaning out my room I came across a journal I had in my 8th grade year, this was the year that our friendship had started. When I flipped open to the first page this is what I read:
"But now to name one more Dylan! This boy is my everything. I would go to the moon and back for him. He is my best friend out of the boys, and I love him. I love him more than I should I know. But he loves me too! And did I mention how pretty he is? Indeed he is very pretty. I know I will always love him."
After laughing for about five minutes I reached for my phone. I had never told Dylan how I had felt about him, and I had never planned on it either. I was completely fine with taking it to my grave, but something came over me last night. Maybe it was just because I am a completely different person than I was then. I think it was actually because all this time I have realized that he can't hurt me, or that it wouldn't hurt me if he didn't like me in the same way. Because every time he told me about a new girl, or every time he picked his girlfriend over me it would kill me on the inside. Or at least that is  how it use to be. Five years waiting in silence... 
You can bet you bottom dollar I called him, I was worried a little that he wouldn't answer, but he did. And I told him everything I told him that I use to be madly head over heals in love with him when we were younger, and I read that entry to him. I left a line or to out because it would have been way to embarrassing! It was nice to talk to him again!
And now all is out in the open. He knows what I have always been to scared to tell him, and everything is right!


-Belle


P.S. He told me he loved me, but I believe it was more in a friend way. Which I love I could tell him all of that and still have my best friend!

Band of Horses

I'm coming up only to hold you under

I'm coming up only to show you wrong

And to know you is hard and we wonder

To know you all wrong, we were

Really too late to call, so we wait for

Morning to wake you; it's all we got

To know me as hardly golden

Is to know me all wrong, they were

At every occasion I'll be ready for a funeral

At every occasion once more is called a funeral

Every occasion I'm ready for the funeral

At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

I'm coming up only to show you down for

I'm coming up only to show you wrong

To the outside, the dead leaves, they all blow (alive is very    poetic)

For'e (before) they died had trees to hang their hope

At every occasion I'll be ready for the funeral

At every occasion once more is called the funeral

At every occasion I'm ready for the funeral

At every occasion one brilliant day funeral

Silly green lighter

I have been thinking about a whole buch of things lately. The main thaing is being in love.

I can honestly say as of right now I don't believe in it. I mean what is love? What is the differance between being in love and loving someone?  Being in love to me is being blinded to all the bad things about someone, turning the cheek and trying to ignore it. Hoping that you can be the change in that person.

That to me is not real.
That to me is living in a reality that doesn't exist.

The reason this has all been on my mind lately is because people go back in forth so much. And I find myself in the middle of it all with these people I barely know asking me what they should do. When all I want to say to them is "You should talk to someone who believes in love for one, then you need to figure it out for yourself. You already know what you want to do. It is that little feeling you have deep in your heart that is just scratching at you, but the chances are you are ignoring it like the way you ignore the bad things about him." That is what I want to say.

And further more on the topic. If you are "talking" to someone else, or you have a "side line" person, you are obviously not happy, and if you were then you wouldn't find the need to have someone else.

I am not being bitter about anything, I have had my share of side line guys, and when I had them I knew I wasn't happy with my relationship. He didn't treat me the way I thought he should. I couldn't tell him how I felt, and I'm pretty sure the only thing he saw in me was sex.

I guess this rant is just because I have no idea about anything. When a relationship ends you slowly start seeing all the flaws you were blinded to at the time. Then you begin to see someone for who they really were and all of a sudden thats not the person you fell "in love" with. It is someone completely different... Surprise surprise.

Fact of the day: All because of Florida and a silly green lighter.

-Belle

What will be will be

So it seems my normal old self is back. I have been in the wandering mood as of lately and just ready for something new!!!

So bring it on!

In other news Frisbee golf is whats going to be going down... Oh yeah I'm excited! I have never played and I have a feeling that I am going to be awful but that is quite alright with me. And there may be another twist involved with that! Hopefull all goes well which I'm sure it will.

What is meant to be will be.

This morning when I woke up I had the strangest feeling, it felt like I was in a hospital and I was going in and out and seeing people around me doing stuff. It was really odd. I had no emotions. And I couldn't control myself or wake myself up so... It was different. Then when I finally did wake up I noticed that once again I over slept by over an hour. Can anyone else say "YAY! For no make-up day?"

Fact oh the day: I love my little girl dog!


-Belle

Let the Good Times Roll

So... It seems as if I have survived another year to see the age of nineteen. Who knew I could last that long. So let me tell you about the party! It was fantastic. My birthday was on March 16, I spent the night with my best friends! Hahaha out of all the years I have had a party I feel like this one was just perfect. It was nice and relaxing to just kind of chill out.

Andrew even came over to hang out for awhile! Hmm.... he he that was really nice!

Let’s see here. Lately I have been in the euphoric type of mood. Nothing seems to bring me down or break me. There is only one thing I would rather no have right now, but hey we can't have everything we want. And I am quite all right with that!

And also I have added a new thing to the list of things that annoy the living crap out of me, (I think that there are only really three things... I really don't get annoyed that easily) but it is when people try to guilt you into doing something. I am standing my ground for now on. I am sick of this boy telling me he is going to kill himself just so I will stay up and talk to him... this has been going on for over a week or so now and enough is enough. My lack of sleep is making my compassion seriously decrease. My heart can't take what he puts me through. And I don't think he realizes how much he hurts me when he is yelling at me. But I'm done trying to be mature about this. Ignoring him now is really the only option I have... Or if he moves away (which I have a feeling that he is doing moving in spite on me) but I’m done with it. I don’t need anyone like that in my life.

Now on to happier news, I think that I will be moving to Austin with my sister… I don’t really see any reason to stay here unless it’s for Ceirra. He he!!! Well I also am considering moving out to Tulsa. But that means I need a roommate!!!! Either way I am going to be somewhere I really love! I am actually really stoked for the summer to come and to see how everything ends up going. No matter where I end up I am going to look at it with an open mind and just welcome the possibilities!

(I have a secret to… But I think I am going to hold this one in for awhile and just see what happens!)

I love my music taste I mean I don’t want to brag but yeah… It’s really cool! haha

Fact of the Day: Pandora is my hero!
-Belle

Maybe I'll be the lucky one who doesn't get burned

It started off me and a group of people walking around a carnival... I had a special someone with me but did know who he was. It was like my dream was from the future.

I see Jordan walking up to me and he looks bad. He looked like he had been down on his luck, and he told me sorry everything was going to be different, he was just a screw up and he was crying. I leaned in to give him a hug and whispered in his ear "you know I will always pick you" and we leaned away from each other and started walking around I could feel that the group I was in was not happy about this addition however it was a moment that I wanted and will always want to have. As my dream went on the night was coming to an end and he kissed me and I kissed him back. I could hear voices that were saying things like "Jess is going to kill him when she finds out" "Go get Jess she needs help" all of a sudden Jordan and I were both aware of the chaos going on around us. I looked up at his face to try to see what he was thinking and there was just a blank shocked look. He kept stepping back looking like he was going to cry again and when I looked down at my chest I realized why everyone was freaking out. It had appeared to be a stab mark right in my heart and I couldn't stop the bleeding. But it didn't hurt. I just kept telling him that everything was all right that I was fine that it didn't matter, as I tried to clean myself up. Then I was starting to wake up at this point but I swear that he ended up walking away or something.

My interpretation: No matter what I will always pick him but in the end it will lead to my heart getting hurt.

Now the question is what to do. What do you do when you have no more fight left in you? Or when you feel like you love someone more than they love you... It doesn't even have to be love just a simple feeling of caring. Hmm... Austin is sounding like a great escape (the city not a person)

Fact of the day: I'm to awkward for my own good.


-Belle

Love grows in me like a tumor,

parasites bent on devouring its host.

I'm developing my sense of humor,

till I can laugh at my heart between your teeth,

till I can laugh at my face beneath your feet.

No Amount of Whiskey No Amount Of Wine

This feeling of perpetual sickness is driving me crazy. I just feel sick to my stomach and I am hoping this will pass.

I also got into a huge bike wreck I ate the curb like no other and you know what... I sprained my ankle. It's gross really. I am not one who gets really girly about things and if it was just a cut then I would be fine however... In this case I am going to be a girl and tell you it is ugly it actually makes me feel ugly. I know how ridiculous that sounds but it hurts and is a pain in the ass to take care of. My mother told me to suck it up...

I guess lately I have been too emotional for my own good. I have been crying a lot and most of the time I don't even know why I just burst into tears. My Step father has been yelling at me about every little thing I do wrong. And I know I know that is what he is there for. But I feel as if I can't ever do anything right. They look at me and they see Chris (Biological Father). Most days I feel like a fail to them. I'm barely hanging on but you know what I'm doing a good job. I don't have my whole life planned out, and I may have caused something life changing but you know what. I am alright. I am hanging on and dealing with life the way I think I should. And for me that’s enough.

Fact of The Day! I love trees nature helps me relax!

Love And Happiness
-Belle

Decisions...

Hmm... I have never been one that has been good at decision making. And right now I would say I have a pretty big one to make. The thing on my mind however is how you really know when to leave or say good bye to something. When is the time to let go? I just don't know anymore moving and locking myself away from the world sounds pretty good right now to me.

I feel like tainted by the things I hide away from you
The things I should say or tell you
I have come so close to just letting everything out,
But I hold back
I have held back time and time again wishing that someone would bring it up so it would be out in the open.
Just letting you and the world see what it really is.
See who I really am.

-Belle

Day Dreaming

Ahhh the sweet smell of the outdoors. I need to go camping. I need to smell the morning air. I am not a fan of the morning however waking up in the woods and smelling the smoke coming from the fire you had going the night before is quite comforting. It is a feeling the one could associate with childhood. The happy blissful, anything could happen mentality. I need to go camping! I need it like a flower needs the sun, or your stomach needs food.  I'm in love with it dare I say! And the sunset don't even get me started on that. I mean if you love sunsets it is my belief that it is a much more powerful vision when you have spent the whole morning and day in the sun. It is different. Your back yard doesn't do it justice. And the night sky my word, stars... The only time I have ever seen a more beautiful night sky was when my friends and I went to look at a real "haunted" house one that you would have to travel through woods to get to. The sky that night was so dark and the stars were crazy. The outdoors is where I belong I have decided. I, or my soul was made for it.

Everyone has something that they can't live without, wether it be money, art, television, dancing. For me it is camping it is the one thing I need to be truly happy. I would give a loveless life for I think. Sure it would be a hard decision to make, however it would be worth it I think there is so much to nature many sides, and I find all of them charming.

I also seem to have a writers block when it comes to poetry. I have mainly been writing stories when I do sit down to write. It's not that I don't try for a poem, it's just that I feel a story must be told I guess... It is kind of bumming me out in a way. Hopefully my spark will come back. For now I will stick with what I have.

Fact of the day: I just had Taco Bell! Word to your mother!

-Belle

Just another week

So this last week has been one for the record books. Really it has been everywhere. And I have to much on my plate. STRESSSSSSS!

But I have been spending a lot of time with Jordan, and that has been wonderful I feel like we are best friends and really comfortable together. I like being able to just laugh and play fight with him. It makes all the serious things about relationships seem less important. And I also feel like he is going to be around for awhile, which also makes some of the stress go away. And he really wants to work on his relationship with my parents, and is also making me work on my relationship with them as well.

My parents have not been happy with me and within the last couple of days things seem to be taking a turn to the worst when it comes with them. I have never in my almost 19 years of living felt close enough to them to actually talk to them. Most days we spend out time in different sections of the house trying not to run in to each other, and on the occasions when we do we have a brief chit chat and we go about our days. It also doesn't help that they think that I am a crazed drug addict. I have just recently discovered this to, they have told the rest of my family that I have been strung out on pills and now my uncle doesn't like the fact I talk to my cousin who has been the closest person to me in my family since I was born.

I don't understand family anymore. at one point in time I could have talked to any of them now it seems that when I am at a family event they all keep me at and arms length away. And for the record I am NOT a strung out druggie. I have had so many things going on in the last couple of months I don't get any help from the family I am financially supporting myself I work over thirty hours a week and have to manage a store twenty four seven because no one else will do it and I have been there the longest, and I have school from 8-2.20, and it's senior year and I feel like I'm losing control over everything. And I feel like I am about to break. The only thing that is keeping me sane right now are the friends. And of course Jordan, they are my get aways from the world around me.

Random fact of the day!: Garden Gnomes make me smile!

Love and Happiness

-Chel

Yep that really happened

Happiness....

Hmm so today we are looking for an activity that has something to do with being happy... Our teacher told us to google it. So I started typing it in and then all of a sudden it was the happy meal site. I kid you not there is a happy meal website and I went got really close to playing a game and then my computer started making noise I jumped... So now that I have given up that I am back.

I feel as if I don't update enough I'm sorry. I am picking the people for my video and then we start it. I already have some people in mind for a couple of the parts so I'm excited about this!!!

So last night the scariest thing that could have ever happened to me did. I don't know why I have such a problem with this but my parents met my honey bunny... Yeah that was a tad bit awkward and I don't think that I would relive that moment of life, I mean I panicked and didn't know what to say I think I was more weirded out about it than he was. Haha That is really funny. In a way though it's nice that all is out in the open. I feel a lot better about it but I know that they don't like him. And that bad thing about that is that it is all my fault. I mean that like... I am more of a commitment phob than he is. And well now this just got brought up a level... Hmm and I am just now realizing that while writing this so now that's a lot to take in. wow okay calming down calming down.

Other than that life has been going pretty darn good. I can't complain! now I am off to read your blogs!

Love and Happiness
-Belle

Short Film!

Music was such a wonderful creation. I mean really it is!

So I have decided that I am going to be in the senior talent show. It is going to be nerve wracking... yes yes it is. However I feel like I would love nothing more than to feel that rush again. The idea is a simple one. I want to make a short film, because ever since I have this image pop into my head I find myself going back to it. As if it were a real memory. It tell the story of two people in a relationship and once someone pulls away the other draws closer but eventually it will all have to come to an end.

And I know I know I feel dumb because it is about a relationship and all but once I have everything finalized on it I will post it for your viewing pleasures! I am really excited about this. I think also I might and that is a big might but I think I may sing in it as well (the talent show, not the film) if I can get my vocals sounding good.... Ugh! I can't help but feel so good about this! ahoy!

Well there shall be more from me on another time place and date.

Love and Happiness
-Chel

Holding my breath

In the beginning the thought of him makes my stomach turn and my heart swell. There is a passion for him that lingers deep within my soul. The slightest smell of a rainy day brings back the memories of a time that didn't seem so complex. The air was filled with strange new wonders and lust that exudes all others. He shifted my world to the left and flipped everything upside down. He is the air I breath and the light I see. He won my heart at first sight.
I enjoy the happy images of you I keep locked in my head. I enjoy all the small things we have together, and every second spent with you gone the more anxious I become. The more my heart flutters and pauses, every time my phone does something.
I don't remember how or when it changed. I have become lost in him. I have become overwhelmed and frustrated. He is my love, but how much is in my head? I can't help but wonder how he feels about me. The very thought of not having him brings a pain to my heart. A pain I have felt for this boy before. He can drain me of everything, but i can't seem to be pulled away from him. He can hurt me in the smallest and biggest of way, and will never know. It is true when they tell me that I am to nice. I should be upset with him. And when the time comes for me to be he does something small. Something no one other than me would understand. It could be as simple as saying hello in a nice way, and texting Bella that tugs at my heart and gets me every time.
I can't find it in my bones to be upset with this beloved creature. This beloved creature who has hurt me and cared for me. I can honestly say I feel as if I am at a cross roads. I love him and I want to be with him. I feel like I am in Greys Anatomy right now just wanting to be with him so much, just wanting him to pick me, only this time it is a little more difficult. It is not another woman that I am wanting him to pick me over. In a way it is his life, or a life that he has come to know. I would never tell him that that's what I wanted. I would never make him pick, because in my heart I think I know which one would win. And to the eyes of the viewers you may think that this is selfish and one hundred percent ridiculous.
And you would be right. How could I ask this boy to pick me. And my answer is a simple one... Because I picked him I chose him.
So now it seems my stomach is still turning, but only in a different way. This beloved creature that I hold so close to my heart is pulling a way. And I can't help but want to hold on just a little longer. But the talks are overrated, by not saying how you feel. Your silence sends me into a downward spiral. With every I love you not returned leaves broken and fared inside.
With the voice in my head telling me to get out now. I can't help but hold on. I can't help but put myself in a situation that keeps letting me fall apart a little every day. I can't help it, and I wont. The damaged broken side of me wont allow any thing else.
I think in a way this healed a small part of me.

With all thats inside me I love him.

-Chel